Sometimes people have questions about Americans that they really don't know how to answer - or whom to ask. They can't ask their friends and risk having them know that they are interested in Americans. Well, worry no more! I will answer your questions about Americans!
Since nobody really wrote in to ask me any questions, I will start you off ....
Dear American,
I am a waiter in a restaurant “tipico” here in Madrid. Why is it that when Americans come in they are all smiley and everything? I treat them like crap as much as possible ... You know the usual, I make them wait a real long time to take their order, I forget to bring them one meal for awhile, make them do feeble hand waving gestures trying to get the check, etc. And then, when they pay the bill, they STILL leave an EXTRA amount of money on the table. What gives?
Signed, Confused Camarero
Dear CC,
Well, in the land of the Yanquis, people actually try to treat the waiters like humans. They believe that being polite and nice helps them get good service, and it is also just good manners. In addition, you may have noticed that the Yanquis are foreigners and therefore are on vacation. People on vacation are usually happy (at least when they came in to your restaurant). The extra money they left on the table is called a “tip”. It is a way of thanking a Cabron such as yourself for serving them. The Americans probably over-compensated, since they know you hate them simply for who they are, so they didn’t dare give you what you deserved – which was NADA!
Signed, American
Dear American,
Why do you guys love war so much? It seems that every time I turn around there are bombs dropping on brown people somewhere in the world, what’s the deal?
Signed, Little Pinko Pacifist
Dear Little PP,
Who’s going to make war if not us? The European Union? Don’t make me spit up my hamburger and freedom fries! Those guys would be afraid of offending the people they have to drop bombs on. You know that the Americans are the only ones with the Nads big enough (and maybe the brains small enough) to start a bunch of trouble and then end it. If it wasn’t for us fighting your wars for you .. well ... then YOU would have to do it.... Is that what you want? I didn't think so.
Signed, American
Dear American,
I am a Spanish university student at the Complutense in Madrid. I read El Pais and 20minutos daily and of course I believe everything I read. Whenever those papers talk about the “typical” American, they say that they are fat, stupid, racist, greedy, no-soul capitalist scumbags. But whenever I meet an American student, they look and act pretty much like me. There are even a few Rubia-Yanquis I would totally like to bang, is that wrong?
Signed, Meter Mano Traitor?
Dear Meter Mano,
Thanks to globalization (thank you Yanquis) the chicks – Spanish and American - all dress the same and will take their clothes off equally as fast. Gone are the days when Spanish men had to hunt Suecas or slutty Americanas just to get laid. Since the girls are essentially the same now (don’t believe what El Pais says) go ahead and bang at will. Those girls are global citizens, just like you, and are free game.
Signed, American
Do you have a question for an American? LaMadridFiles@gmail.com
24 comments:
Well, I thought I might have a question or two, but I think those canny Spaniards that already wrote in above just about covered them all!
ROTFLMAO:DDD
I want to submit this to Menéame (the Spanish Digg) but I worry for your welfare. Wouldn't want you to be the target of nasty death threats. If I were to submit this, how soon can you enter the witness protection program? :)
Dear American,
Odio tu puñetero país, tu jodido presidente y la arrogancia de todos tus compatriotas. Sois unos mentirosos imperialistas. Ojalá que Dios os aplaste un día. ¡Que os den!
Oye, ¿sabes cómo puedo conseguir un visado a EEUU porque no hay mucho trabajo en mi campo en España y me gustaría trabajar en Miami, Nueva York, Texas o California por una temporada y a mí no me queda claro como pedirlo.
Salu2.
Signed,
Confused Twentysomething Spanish Hypocrite
Dear Confused Hypocrite,
That was funny.
Once, one of my roomates in Madrid really didn't like America or Americans very much. She tolerated me and stated loudly that she would never visit the States. Guess what her major was ... American Literature.
Kudos and thanks to Gustavo Arellano for the inspiration for this post.
http://www.ocweekly.com/columns/ask-a-mexican/
ask-a-mexican/28317/
Living in Germany - the land of whispers - I have noticed that Americans talk rather loudly e.g. while waiting in the check-out, on the sidewalk and wherever else. Private conversations are held loudly as if nobody understood anyway.
Again, this is coming from an observation made in Germany. This question might not apply if the Spaniards are equally loud in their private conversations....
How about:
Dear American,
Why do you talk so loudly as if you were the only one around?
reminds me of a recording from the London Underground:
http://www.emmaclarke.com/media/7142/a-reminder-for-american-tourists.mp3
Dear Jever,
Thanks for the question.
Keep'em coming and I'll answer.
Warning: This might be a bit touchy.
This line I had heard in a movie back in the mid-eighties and it got me thinking about its source. An American woman screaming ... while being dragged off by former East-German soldiers.
This left a life-long impression of the American attitude on me.
Dear American,
What makes you so invincible?
Based on this in/famous line from an 80s movie :
“You can’t do this to me! I am an American!“,
I wonder why you would feel so untouchable. After all, unjustice has been done to your people, but also by your people again in most recent times.
You would have laughed if one of your prisoners would have yelled:“You can’t do this to me! I am an Iraqi!“
Do you think you love your freedom more than others?
Forgot to mention.. Try to think of a funny sign-off name after your question. Maybe that will help you guys tune up your sense of humor a bit.
Great blog topic!
It is so easy to generalize isn't it. I am originally from Turkey, married to Canadian, hence, became a Canadian 20 some years ago. However, I lived in US for the last 17 years and in 2002, I became a proud American. My kids and I have been visiting Spain for the last 3.5 months. Because of my diverse cultural background (such as my adopted country), I constantly compare the countries I visit. My kids have a purer look at and experience of the cultures - they just immerse and cherish. We, adults, have much to learn from them.
As for war-mongering, not every American supported the war in Iraq and there are some wars, such as WWII and Bosnia, are worth supporting. Unfortunately, life decisions are not always black and white, and it is sad that all Americans have to respond to their government's poor policy decisions (funnily only American's seem to care to respond! for many other governments make as many poor choices, such as the Europe's incompetence in ending ethnic-cleansing in Bosnia, but their citizen's don't seem to be ostracized for it - well, I assume great power comes with great responsibilities and British must know it too well).
Gary Shteyngart has a great write on the subject in Newsweek special edition/issues 2008 (you may access on the net probably).
So far, my impressions of people's attitude towards Americans (yes, that includes Paris, too!) have been positive, but again that might be due to my infamous ignorance as an American.
In conclusion as a person who made many countries home and visited many more, I am proud to be an American and I would still choose America as my home country despite all its downfalls in the more recent years. After all, which empire did not make mistakes that let to its demise - read Toynbee's A Study of History. One way or other we all get there eventually.
I had planned to write on this topic based on my observations; I will refer to your blog when I do. I am being enlightened so keep answering!
Opps... I meant the America's involvement in wars WWII and Bosnia to stop them!
Thanks for Commenting Ayse Tezcan,
You are a true "typical American".
Rocky B,
That had to have been a canned political ad. Had to adios it.
Interesting blog, Carl. I've been in Spain for a few weeks and I have a question for you about cafes: why is it that when I go to a neighborhood cafe and ask for a cortado I don't get an hola, buenos dias, nada! let alone a gracias or hasta luego but, I see all these other people coming in and the waitresses/waiter act all friendly towards them? I'm a decent looking woman of Portuguese origin, so I look like I could be Spanish (until I open my mouth). I'm mild mannered and also shower everyday, so my presence shouldn't be a huge disturbance. How do they know to treat me differently, instinctively? And seriously, what is the logic in that? Maybe I'm too simple to figure out their logic, but in the US you usually treat people well if they are giving you business. Don't get me wrong,I love Spain and I'm happy to be here. However, this behavior is both puzzling and vastly annoying. Back in Florida bums who go to a cafe for free water get treated better than I do here. Please enlighten me!
Thanks
Mila
I don't have a question for you, but I found your first example question very funny (and realistic). But you are not alone, we Spaniards also get treated very poorly by waiters. When I visited USA I found waiters behavior to be almost annoying, I felt like we got more attention than we deserved!
Hi Mila,
That's a good question. Maybe it deserves some thought in a post.
I’m a Spaniard and I am also very poorly treated by waiters. Other Spaniards at the bar always receive better service. Only recently I discovered why. I’m too well-manered, I’m all the time saying “por favor” and “gracias”, as we do in my family. I always say “usted” to a waiter. They take offence. They feel I’m trying to keep a distance. They beleive I’m trying to remind them that we are not equal, that I’m the customer and he is the worker. So they hate me. I cannot stop going my way. I keep saying “por favor, cuando pueda, un cortado, si es tan amable” and my voice is not heard; a customer by my side shouts “tío, dos birras” and gets served.
It doesn’t matter if you’re an American or not, you’re equally lost if the waiter comes to believe that you think -maybe because you’re an American- you’re better than him in any sense. Spanish waiters are very sensitive people. They have issues. Many of them could be helped by a good therapist.
I have seen foreigners living in Spain that have completely understood the fragility of Spanish waiters’ self-steem. They behave like jerks and treat the waiters as if they were buddies. They are always perfectly served.
Good points Alberto. There are some interesting dynamics going on in a typical Spanish bar / restaurant.
Good points Alberto. Historically, every one in America are equal and that concept is engraved in our constitution. French aristocrat Alexis de Tocqueville described that quite well in his book Democracy in America. Consequently, we try to treat each other equally whether a waiter or the President (that's how we say bad things about them while in power! :-)).
Alberto's comment was interesting.
Here in Europe, sometimes it seems the kinder you treat restaurant staff the more they feel they could ignore you. I guess one has to more assertive in Europe in general. Don't wait to be served like you would do in the U.S. where clerks will pay attention to you as quickly as they can.
Here in Germany as well, if you stand patiently "American style" waiting to be acknowledged, others will cut in, thinking you are not ready.
Being abrasive will get you more attention. The polite ones sometimes get pushed aside, like children.
Forgot to sign off with a ....
Hey, I was here first!!!!!!!!!
Kind of contradicts the pushy American stereotype if "American style" is waiting patiently .... Which I think it is actually.
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