Ask an American!

Time for another edition of ASK AN AMERICAN!

Dear American,

Why are you people such bible thumpers? It’s always, ”God bless this and God bless that!” And I can’t believe you morons are so stupid that you question Darwin. Everyone knows that evolution is gospel! Umm, I mean … true. God had his day and that day was a long time ago! Now we have science and science is never wrong. Why don’t you people just get with the program?

Signed, Smug with all the Answers

Dear Smug,

Oh Puh-Leeze! No one knows what the F--- is really going on yet! Science is great but they are always telling us, "Er, guys, remember when we said .. Blah, Blah ... well we screwed up and found out it is really like this .... Blah". Of course the world is not 6,000 years old and the theory of evolution seems to be the best answer to how we evolved but no one really knows how life began in the first place! Those Holy Rollers have as much to say, on that subject at least, as Einstein. You Europeans were so screwed by the Church over so many centuries that of course you can’t stand religion. We did not have that problem. To many Americans God is not a four letter word, and it seems to me that the extent of our knowledge still leaves a little mystery left. So, the next time you are so sure of your beliefs … remember that at one time the scientific consensus was - the world is flat!

Signed, American

Dear American,

Living in Germany - the land of whispers - I have noticed that Americans talk rather loudly e.g. while waiting in the check-out, on the sidewalk and wherever else. Private conversations are held loudly as if nobody understood anyway. Again, this is coming from an observation made in Germany. Why do you talk so loudly as if you were the only one around?

Signed, Up-Tight German Whisperer

Dear Up-Tight,

I’ll tell you why … It’s because most Americans are born in, grow up in, and live in ….. HOUSES! We don’t have to worry about neighbors on top of us, to the side of us, below us, etc. listening in to our conversations about our hemorrhoids through the window of the patio. Our nearest neighbor might be 50 meters away. It is simply a function of environment and adaptation. We have to learn to communicate with other loud Americans downstairs, or way in the front yard, etc. It also might be because we are not worried about the Gestapo or the Stasi overhearing us.

Signed, American

Dear American,

How come in the movies if an American is being mistreated or arrested by a policeman in Europe or something they always say, “You can’t do that to me I’m an American!” What’s up with that? Do you people think you are so much better than anyone else that your precious freedom cannot be messed with?

Signed, Takes it Like a Man When Arrested

Dear Takes it Well,

I have three words for you ….IT’S A JOKE! The director of the movie is obviously making fun of Americans who would say something stupid like,” You can’t do that to me I’m an American ….!” Etc. It is funny (to Europeans) to make fun of Americans who think they are somehow above the law. Obviously we are not – so get a sense of humor and laugh at the stereotype of an arrogant American like you’re supposed to! And stop thinking that movies are real life!

Signed, American

Questions for an American: LaMadridFiles@gmail.com

Ask an American!

We are starting a new copyrighted feature hear at L.A.-Madrid Files. It is a public service of sorts in the format of a write-in answer column that I know will be useful to the Spain dwellers. It's called ASK AN AMERICAN!

Sometimes people have questions about Americans that they really don't know how to answer - or whom to ask. They can't ask their friends and risk having them know that they are interested in Americans. Well, worry no more! I will answer your questions about Americans!

Since nobody really wrote in to ask me any questions, I will start you off ....


Dear American,

I am a waiter in a restaurant “tipico” here in Madrid. Why is it that when Americans come in they are all smiley and everything? I treat them like crap as much as possible ... You know the usual, I make them wait a real long time to take their order, I forget to bring them one meal for awhile, make them do feeble hand waving gestures trying to get the check, etc. And then, when they pay the bill, they STILL leave an EXTRA amount of money on the table. What gives?

Signed, Confused Camarero

Dear CC,

Well, in the land of the Yanquis, people actually try to treat the waiters like humans. They believe that being polite and nice helps them get good service, and it is also just good manners. In addition, you may have noticed that the Yanquis are foreigners and therefore are on vacation. People on vacation are usually happy (at least when they came in to your restaurant). The extra money they left on the table is called a “tip”. It is a way of thanking a Cabron such as yourself for serving them. The Americans probably over-compensated, since they know you hate them simply for who they are, so they didn’t dare give you what you deserved – which was NADA!

Signed, American

Dear American,

Why do you guys love war so much? It seems that every time I turn around there are bombs dropping on brown people somewhere in the world, what’s the deal?

Signed, Little Pinko Pacifist

Dear Little PP,

Who’s going to make war if not us? The European Union? Don’t make me spit up my hamburger and freedom fries! Those guys would be afraid of offending the people they have to drop bombs on. You know that the Americans are the only ones with the Nads big enough (and maybe the brains small enough) to start a bunch of trouble and then end it. If it wasn’t for us fighting your wars for you .. well ... then YOU would have to do it.... Is that what you want? I didn't think so.

Signed, American

Dear American,

I am a Spanish university student at the Complutense in Madrid. I read El Pais and 20minutos daily and of course I believe everything I read. Whenever those papers talk about the “typical” American, they say that they are fat, stupid, racist, greedy, no-soul capitalist scumbags. But whenever I meet an American student, they look and act pretty much like me. There are even a few Rubia-Yanquis I would totally like to bang, is that wrong?

Signed, Meter Mano Traitor?

Dear Meter Mano,

Thanks to globalization (thank you Yanquis) the chicks – Spanish and American - all dress the same and will take their clothes off equally as fast. Gone are the days when Spanish men had to hunt Suecas or slutty Americanas just to get laid. Since the girls are essentially the same now (don’t believe what El Pais says) go ahead and bang at will. Those girls are global citizens, just like you, and are free game.

Signed, American

Do you have a question for an American? LaMadridFiles@gmail.com